Starting Over

As I start a new chapter in my life, I find myself starting over in another part of my life. This part of my life where I'm starting over, I should actually be picking up where I left off but I'm not.

The part of my life that I'm speaking about is my writing life. When I started that life, there were a lot of bumps, turns and forks in the road. Somehow I managed to get on the straight road. While on the straight road, I met some interesting people and learnt some interesting lessons.

From the people that I've met, I take with me their advice to help me start over and move forward. The lessons that I've learned, I also take them with me in stride as I move forward.

As I start my writing career over, I start over with a new outlook and a new positive attitude.

Overwhelming

Sometimes I think that I can't do it,
but something tells me that I have to
keep movin.

If its not this, then its that
and still,
I have to keep it moving.

There are times when I just wanna
give up,
but I can't because,
I've come to far.

All in all,
things are the way
that they should be
but sometimes
things just seem to be so
Overwhelming.

When I Grow Up

Growing up I wanted to be an attorney.....Divorce that is. I guess when I was younger I had a feeling that marriage wasn't going to be as sacred now as it was back then.

Growing up I wanted to be a dancer......Naturally a Ballerina. I always thought Ballerinas were so graceful...but then I grew up to be 6'1.5". So how graceful would I look? I can whine though(that's the trini blood).

Growing up I wanted to be a psychologist.......other people's problems were so much better than mine....Then I got older and my problems kinda got worse...(not in a bad way though).

Growing up I wanted to be a model.........correction, other people wanted me to be a model.......I'M SUCH A TOMBOY BUT!

Growing up I wanted to be a wife.........Now, I'd consider being with someone who completes me sexually, spiritually,emotionally, physically and mentally for the rest of my life without marriage. If you ever think about it, some couples work out fine before getting married but then when they get married, things fall apart. It's true..if it ain't broke, then don't fix it.

Growing up I wanted a child........Under the right circumstances that is.

Growing up I had dreams and aspirations and to this very day......I still do.



When I grow up I want to be the best writer that I can be......Even if it means that I have to practice my craft 6 times a day......

When I grow up I want to be the best friend that I can be.....Even if it means loving a friend tough.

When I grow up I want to be the best daughter I can be.....I know growing up I gave my parents hell but it was apart of my learning experience.

When I grow up I want to be less a bratty younger sister.....That's not going to happen because I'ma Brat!!!!!

When I grow up I want to be the best lover/girlfriend/wife I can be.

When I grow up I want......to follow my dreams and accomplish my goals.

When I grow up, I don't want my life to get so out of control to where I can't handle my life or the substance that makes up my life and the things that surround my life. When I grow up I want total control of my life and to be able to take my life back at any given moment.

When I grow up I want to be the best person that I can be......Not for no one but me.

I Am Who I Am

I am who I am
Because I am me.

I do what I do,
when and how I wanna do it.
I can’t help it if that’s how I think.

I damn sure can’t hate the
way that I talk,
I can’t help if it sounds like that.
Just don’t get it twisted,
cause you just might miss it.

I am who I am
because I am me.

I see what I see,
not only is because of what I see
but how it’s presented.

There are times when I care,
then there times when I don’t.
But my heart is always in the right place.

I am who I am
because I am me.

I love but at the same time I hate.
I hate but at the same time I love.

I am who I am
because,
I am Arnittress.

Understand

Everyday I think of all that I want to say
but the words can never come out.
I want to tell you how I truly feel
but I shy away.
I find it harder and harder to communicate
my thoughts of you, to you.
There are many days that I sit and
think “what if?”
What if I tell you how I feel will it
push you away or bring you closer to me.
I ask myself are his feelings mutual or
is he stringing me along?
If I ask you to help me talk to you about you
will you do it?
If I ask you to tell me how you really
feel, would you tell me?
If I ask you to talk to me about you,
will you talk about you?
If I ask you to ease my pain,
will you ease it?
Will you do whatever it takes to help
me understand, understand you?

Have You Ever?

Have you ever
been with someone
and they made you
feel at ease?

Have you ever
been with someone
who made you body melt?

Have you ever
been with someone
who's left you both
speechless and breathless?

Have you ever
been with someone
who made you realize
what love was all about?

Have you ever
just been with someone
who made you
completley happy?

20 Questions

I came across an article that was published in an issue of O, The Oprah Magazine. The name of the article was, 20 Questions That Could Change Your Life by Martha Beck. Martha Beck asked a bunch of women what they thought every woman should ask herself and these are the questions that they came up with.

1. What questions should I be asking myself? Creates an alert thoughtful mind state, ideal for ferreting out information you need in every situation. Ask it frequently.

2. Is this what I want to be doing?

3. Why worry?

4. Why do I like (cupcakes) more than I like (people)? Switch out words in bracket.

5. How do I want the world to be different because I lived in it?

6. How do I want to be different because I lived in this world?

7. Are (vegans) better people? Switch out word in bracket

8. What is my body telling me?

9. How much junk could a chic chick chuck if a chic chick could chuck junk? Originally posed by Lao Tzu, " To become learned, each day add something. To become enlightened, each day drop something."

10. What's so funny?

11. Where am I wrong?

12. What potential memories am I bartering, and is the profit worth the price?

13. Am I the only one struggling not during ? Pick your faux pas

14. What do I love to practice?

15. Where could I work less and achieve more?

16. How can I keep myself absolutely safe?

17. Where should I break the rules?

18. So say I lived in that fabulous house in (Tuscany), with untold wealth, a gorgeous adoring mate, and a full staff of servants....then what?

19. Are my thoughts hurting or healing?

20. Really truly: Is this what I want to be doing?

Again, these were composed by asking /surveying women and these are the questions that they came up with. I found them to be interesting because I actually ask myself a few of these questions. It's funny because I didn't realize that I was asking some of these questions but at the same time this list answered a question of my own which is: are other women asking themselves the same questions as I am asking myself? Huh, I guess women do think alike in some aspect.

Nervous

Nervous is
When the phone rings and it’s you on the other end
Nervous is
My heart beating ten miles a minute
Nervous is
Butterflies in my stomach
Nervous is
My clamy hands steadily shaking
Nervous is
The sensual wetness I feel between my legs
Nervous is
My knees buckling
Nervous is
Me standing still not being able to move
Nervous is
Closing my eyes & taking a deep breath just to say hello
Nervous is
How I feel when I’m with you
Nervous is
How I feel when I’m in your arms
Nervous is
How I feel when you touch me
Nervous is
How you make me feel

10 Life Lessons To Unlearn

I've read an article by Martha Beck in my O Newsletter. This article, 10 Life Lessons To Unlearn was another interesting article. After reading the article, I had what Oprah would call an "Aha moment". Without knowing that I was unlearning these lessons. I am at that point in my life where I am unlearning and at the same time realizing the lessons being taught by unlearning these lessons, if that makes sense.

Here are the 10 lessons that according to Martha Beck we should be unlearning:

1. Problems are bad. An awful relationship is teaching us what love means.
2. It's important to stay happy. Focus on something miserable. Think, "I must stay happy!" Then say, "It's okay to be sad as I need to be."
3. I'm irreparably damaged by my past. Take an issue that's been worrying you and think of 3 reasons that belief may be wrong. Your brain will begin to let go.
4. Working hard leads to success. Play not work is the key to success.
5. Success is the opposite of failure. Success is built from failure.
6. It matters what people think of me. No it doesn't.
7. We should think rationally about our decisions. Instead of weighing pros and cons intellectually, notice your physical response to each option. Pay attention to when your body tenses and relaxes and make a decision based on your physical response.
8. The pretty girls get all the good stuff. While everyone's looking at them, virtually no one sees them.
9. If all my wishes came true right now, life would be perfect. Good fortune has side effects: rehab clinics, divorce courts and jails. To attract something you want, become joyful as you think that thing would make you. The joy, not the thing, is the point.
10. Loss is terrible. If you've abandoned yourself in effort to keep anyone or anything else, unlearn that pattern. Live your truth, losses be damned.

Makes you go hmmmm. It always takes for either someone or something to point out our "growing up" lessons. We tend to think that we are doing the wrong things when it comes to taking control of our lives and then, well for me, I read an article like this and realize that I'm doing things right and it's okay to think the way that I'm thinking. It's all about me becoming who I'm going to become and realizing what is and what isn't important. Sometimes what we think is important isn't necessarily that important and it's better to just let it go and begin to live our lives.

Tales of Kayla & Kay-Kay

I never knew how good it could be. I was just so used to dry-humping which kinda got me aroused but I was just scared to do it the "proper way". I heard all types of stories of how it hurt for some people and for others it was just down right good. For me, it was an experience but it didn't hurt. After the first time I actually wanted to do it again. I wanted to make sure that every time I did it, it would be easier. I wanted my partner to be able to slide right on in and give it to me right.......Could I have been a freak from the giddy up and not realize it?



Well it's about time she let someone penetrate me. I mean, damn I'm tired of the rubbing. When she allowed penetration, I was soo happy, don't get me wrong it hurt a little bit but once we both were comfortable, it just seemed so right. The more action, well not action but the more we got into it the better it started to feel. I mean it felt so good, who would have that poking could feel good. In and out, out and in the "stick" went. But right before I was able to get excited, the damn stick, well I want to say it exploded and that was it......Would there be a time where I'd be able to do the same?

Do You

Do you ever take the time out
and think about the past?

Do you ever think about how
we first met?

Do you ever think about our
first kiss?

What about the first time we made love,
do you ever think about that?

Do you ever think about the first
time you held me in your arms?

Do you even remember how you
felt when I held you in my arms?

Do you remember our first stroll in the park?

Do you think about when we
watched the sun rise and set?

Do you remember the first time that
you looked into my eyes?

Do you remember the moment
when you said I love you?

Oh and by chance do you think
about the day when you broke my heart?

Do you ever just think about me?

Finding Happiness

Someone asked me why was I so happy. After telling them about all of my trials and tribulations along with my revelations, they then asked, how? I was caught off guard by that question. I questioned why they asked how? After hearing the explanation, I understood their how. This person had been trying for a long time to find happiness on the outside and that way wasn't working.

My comment:

"In order to find happiness, you have to look into your life to see where you are happy and where you're not happy. In the areas in your life where you are not happy, you have to ask why. Once you know why you're not happy, you begin to fix it. It's not going to take a day or two, it's going to take you a long while. Finding happiness is something you have to find within yourself. If you're not happy on the inside, then how do you expect to be happy on the outside?"

This person was so busy looking for happiness on the outside that they failed to realize that happiness starts from within them.

So if you want true happiness, it starts from within and manifests to the outside.