I read: Sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go. Powerful statement.
I think that sometimes people hold on because either it's the only thing they know how to do or they are too scared to let go.
Holding on to something when it
has turned to nothing
staggers the heart, mind and soul.
Holding on to something that once
existed makes you wonder was
there ever an existence?
Letting go can be scary.
Scary not knowing what's going to happen.
Scary to actually know that you could be better off.
Yeah that truly is a powerful statement.
Wednesday
Tuesday
Near Death Experience
The closest experience I've ever had to having my life flash before my eyes, was truly an experience.
Back in 2003, I went to a party at a local club. I guess my friend who wanted me to come out had a very busy day that day without taking a nap at some point.
We had went to this party and had a real good time. After it was over, we took someone home. We had to drive to the Bronx. I was in the passenger seat and my friend was driving. We had been talking then the conversation stopped. I looked down for a minute and then looked up just in time. The highway was winding and there was a wall on the side and we were heading straight to that wall. I shouted and shook my friend. Her head was bowing down and her eyes were closed. She woke up and pulled over and let the person who we were taking home drive.
In that quick moment, I saw all that I had done with my like up until that moment and all that I could be from that point on.
I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. It was truly one of the scariest moments in my life. My mom had already buried one child many, many, years before and I definitely didn't want her to have to do it again.
642 Things To Write About
Back in 2003, I went to a party at a local club. I guess my friend who wanted me to come out had a very busy day that day without taking a nap at some point.
We had went to this party and had a real good time. After it was over, we took someone home. We had to drive to the Bronx. I was in the passenger seat and my friend was driving. We had been talking then the conversation stopped. I looked down for a minute and then looked up just in time. The highway was winding and there was a wall on the side and we were heading straight to that wall. I shouted and shook my friend. Her head was bowing down and her eyes were closed. She woke up and pulled over and let the person who we were taking home drive.
In that quick moment, I saw all that I had done with my like up until that moment and all that I could be from that point on.
I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. It was truly one of the scariest moments in my life. My mom had already buried one child many, many, years before and I definitely didn't want her to have to do it again.
642 Things To Write About
Monday
Guilty Pleasure
There are so many things that I enjoy doing. But as I sit here and write, I think about a television show that I love to watch. That show, Paternity Court with Lauren Lakes. Don't get me wrong, I love me some Judge Judy, Judge Karen, Judge Mablean, Judge Ross and Judge Faith but this one in particular I love.
I used to watch Maury but after seeing women come on five or six times to find out who their baby daddy is, is not only too much but kind of heartbreaking. How could you not know who the father of your child is and why were you sleeping with so many people during the time of conception WITHOUT A CONDEM. I'm not judging, I'm just sayin.
When Paternity Court came on for the first time I was like oh boy here we go but after watching back to back episodes, I couldn't wait for the next day. I was also happy when the show got renewed. This show is special because these guests not only get the answers that they need answered but help is also provided for them.
I couldn't imagine growing up thinking one man was my father and then another comes along and says that he is my father and it turns out to be true. I couldn't imagine how I would feel knowing that my mother told me over and over that one man was my father and for years he denied me, then turns out he is my father. Or it could turn out that he really wasn't my father.
I also couldn't be one of those who didn't know who the father of my children was. You think it's one guy and it turns out to be the other guy. Crazy!
Some of the stories on this show are just unbelievable. Both men and women denying who is or who isn't the father until the results come in. It's not funny but it is when a female is so adamant about who is the father and it turns out someone else it the father. Or when a guy denies paternity until the very end and it turns out that he is the father.
Like I stated earlier the best part about this, is that there is help for the people that come on after paternity is decided. Another good thing is that there is a follow up show on some of the craziest situations.
There you have it, my guilty pleasure and why...lol
642 Things To Write ABout
I used to watch Maury but after seeing women come on five or six times to find out who their baby daddy is, is not only too much but kind of heartbreaking. How could you not know who the father of your child is and why were you sleeping with so many people during the time of conception WITHOUT A CONDEM. I'm not judging, I'm just sayin.
When Paternity Court came on for the first time I was like oh boy here we go but after watching back to back episodes, I couldn't wait for the next day. I was also happy when the show got renewed. This show is special because these guests not only get the answers that they need answered but help is also provided for them.
I couldn't imagine growing up thinking one man was my father and then another comes along and says that he is my father and it turns out to be true. I couldn't imagine how I would feel knowing that my mother told me over and over that one man was my father and for years he denied me, then turns out he is my father. Or it could turn out that he really wasn't my father.
I also couldn't be one of those who didn't know who the father of my children was. You think it's one guy and it turns out to be the other guy. Crazy!
Some of the stories on this show are just unbelievable. Both men and women denying who is or who isn't the father until the results come in. It's not funny but it is when a female is so adamant about who is the father and it turns out someone else it the father. Or when a guy denies paternity until the very end and it turns out that he is the father.
Like I stated earlier the best part about this, is that there is help for the people that come on after paternity is decided. Another good thing is that there is a follow up show on some of the craziest situations.
There you have it, my guilty pleasure and why...lol
642 Things To Write ABout
Wednesday
Stepping Out
One day last year, I was listening to the radio station and I heard that this radio station was having a Cupcake War of their own. I stepped out of my comfort zone and went against my "self-doubt" talk and as soon as I got home, I logged onto their website, submitted my information and a day or so after, I received a phone call with the time and day.
That was my first try and little did I know I was going against people who had their own storefronts and had been baking for as long as I been on this earth. These strangers tasted my cupcakes and I moved onto the finals. Although I didn't win in the finals, I still won because I took a chance.
Now here I am a year later, not only am I waiting for them to make the Cupcake War announcement on the radio but I'm getting ready to answer these questions for a baking contest that is televised. I have so many emotions running through me but I well not let the negative ones overpower the positive.
By entering this contest, I am truly stepping out. Stepping out on faith and stepping waaaay out of my comfort zone. If it is meant for me, then victory shall be mine. Even if it's not meant for me, I can cross this off my bucket list and try again next year.
That was my first try and little did I know I was going against people who had their own storefronts and had been baking for as long as I been on this earth. These strangers tasted my cupcakes and I moved onto the finals. Although I didn't win in the finals, I still won because I took a chance.
Now here I am a year later, not only am I waiting for them to make the Cupcake War announcement on the radio but I'm getting ready to answer these questions for a baking contest that is televised. I have so many emotions running through me but I well not let the negative ones overpower the positive.
By entering this contest, I am truly stepping out. Stepping out on faith and stepping waaaay out of my comfort zone. If it is meant for me, then victory shall be mine. Even if it's not meant for me, I can cross this off my bucket list and try again next year.
Monday
Exultation
The quarter is coming to an end. We've played this team twice before in the regular season and loss both games. This game; however, is very different because the winner of this game goes to the semi-finals.
The time-out is over and we have less then a minute to play and the opposing team is up by two. We bring the ball up the court trying to kill time. We do. We pass the ball around and it's killing more time but time is getting scarce and now the ball is in my hands. I turn around and shoot. What seems like slow motion we watch the ball but position ourselves for the rebound so that we can at least put the ball back up. There is no more time left on the clock and the ball is still in the air. Swish, all net. Score is tied and we have more time to attempt to get this win.
We go into over-time and play our hardest and we take it to the basket every time we get the ball. We are scoring, they are scoring. This game is going to come down to the final minute and whoever has the ball that last minute is going to win the game. Time is winding down and you can see both teams are tired but we are pushing through. The team that wants it the most is getting the victory. Seconds are left on the clock and the opposing team is up by one point. Again we bring the ball up the court, five seconds remain, shot is released. Both teams watch as the ball is floating towards the basket. It bounces off the back board, hits the rim. Swish.
The team that defeated us twice during the regular season, has now been defeated by us and we are off to the semi-finals.
*Describe exultation 642 Things To Write About
The time-out is over and we have less then a minute to play and the opposing team is up by two. We bring the ball up the court trying to kill time. We do. We pass the ball around and it's killing more time but time is getting scarce and now the ball is in my hands. I turn around and shoot. What seems like slow motion we watch the ball but position ourselves for the rebound so that we can at least put the ball back up. There is no more time left on the clock and the ball is still in the air. Swish, all net. Score is tied and we have more time to attempt to get this win.
We go into over-time and play our hardest and we take it to the basket every time we get the ball. We are scoring, they are scoring. This game is going to come down to the final minute and whoever has the ball that last minute is going to win the game. Time is winding down and you can see both teams are tired but we are pushing through. The team that wants it the most is getting the victory. Seconds are left on the clock and the opposing team is up by one point. Again we bring the ball up the court, five seconds remain, shot is released. Both teams watch as the ball is floating towards the basket. It bounces off the back board, hits the rim. Swish.
The team that defeated us twice during the regular season, has now been defeated by us and we are off to the semi-finals.
*Describe exultation 642 Things To Write About
Sunday
Simple Thought
Is it meant to be?
Am I meant to be free?
So many things run through my mind,
my thoughts are so hard to find.
Then I stop.
Close my eyes.
Take a few deep breathes.
Then I begin all over again.
I question my self.
The answers are still the same.
It's not about the fame.
Happiness, that's what it's all
about.
So no longer am I asking,
is it meant to be or am I
supposed to be free.
It will be and I've always been free.
so many thoughts run through my mind,
one simple thought I try to find.
Am I meant to be free?
So many things run through my mind,
my thoughts are so hard to find.
Then I stop.
Close my eyes.
Take a few deep breathes.
Then I begin all over again.
I question my self.
The answers are still the same.
It's not about the fame.
Happiness, that's what it's all
about.
So no longer am I asking,
is it meant to be or am I
supposed to be free.
It will be and I've always been free.
so many thoughts run through my mind,
one simple thought I try to find.
Saturday
Feelings
Someone apologizes for the past and you've already forgiven them, how would you feel? Are you happy that they acknowledge their mishap? Or are you just, 'blah' and by 'blah' I mean, okay because you have already forgiven them and have moved on with your life?
Someone recently apologized and acknowledged that their actions in the past weren't the best and I knew that. I've always heard that you don't actually have to tell a person you forgive them, you can forgive them in a thought sort to speak so that you can move on for your self. And that's what I did. I forgave and let go but the 'essence' still lingers.
When I say 'essence', I mean the impression left, that is embedded in you that then secretly/unknowingly becomes apart of you. I guess this is the 'won't forget' part of forgiving. This 'essence' just eats at you because you don't forget. So although the 'issue' is forgiven, the 'essence' isn't forgotten. Yet you manage to go on until the 'essence' becomes the 'issue'.
Now that you realize that the 'essence' is the 'issue' you are pretty much shaking your head like, what the hell?
I know this is a random thought but think about it and let it marinate.
Someone recently apologized and acknowledged that their actions in the past weren't the best and I knew that. I've always heard that you don't actually have to tell a person you forgive them, you can forgive them in a thought sort to speak so that you can move on for your self. And that's what I did. I forgave and let go but the 'essence' still lingers.
When I say 'essence', I mean the impression left, that is embedded in you that then secretly/unknowingly becomes apart of you. I guess this is the 'won't forget' part of forgiving. This 'essence' just eats at you because you don't forget. So although the 'issue' is forgiven, the 'essence' isn't forgotten. Yet you manage to go on until the 'essence' becomes the 'issue'.
Now that you realize that the 'essence' is the 'issue' you are pretty much shaking your head like, what the hell?
I know this is a random thought but think about it and let it marinate.
Friday
Living With R.A.
There are days when I just want to give up and then I look at my boys and say to myself I can't. But then I lose focus and I just don't want to anymore. There are days when my body hurts and I can't move but have to force myself up to move. It's like I have to warm my body up because all of my joints ache. I try to do a light work-out and have to push through them. There are days when I'm depressed not because I don't like where I am in life, it's because I want to do things but my body just won't allow it. Some days I feel as if I've tweaked my groin muscle and can't stretch it out because if I do the pain gets worse. Just to bend down can be a task. There have been days where I couldn't even pick up my kids just to pick them up. Although they aren't little anymore but still big enough to be picked up, I think that I'd cry if they were little babies and I couldn't pick them up to hold them. The days when I'm feeling good, I pick them up just because.
Living with Rheumatoid Arthritis is a bitch and every day is a struggle. Some will never understand this autoimmune arthritis and some just don't care and will call it laziness. But to live with this type of pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I will be so happy when I have the right dosages of medicines and this pain will no longer be.
Thursday
A Room
The room is not that big and yet not that small. The walls are blue with red trim. At one point in time it had sports decals on the wall. The decals were of, basketballs, footballs, soccer balls and baseballs. There was once also two hanging lines that hung paintings and drawings of two very young artists. But those too were taken down.
This room is big enough for two twin beds, a book shelf, a television and a whole bunch of toys. Every now and then you can find it clean and in some type of order. A majority of the time, the room is in complete chaos. You have to watch where you step because if you don't, you just might slip on a train or maybe even a track. Every once in a while you can hear, laughter, crying and/or fighting.
In this room you will find two lil boys who are brothers who just so happen to be the loves of my life. This room is my boys room.
*Describing a room in my home 642 Things to Write About
This room is big enough for two twin beds, a book shelf, a television and a whole bunch of toys. Every now and then you can find it clean and in some type of order. A majority of the time, the room is in complete chaos. You have to watch where you step because if you don't, you just might slip on a train or maybe even a track. Every once in a while you can hear, laughter, crying and/or fighting.
In this room you will find two lil boys who are brothers who just so happen to be the loves of my life. This room is my boys room.
*Describing a room in my home 642 Things to Write About
Wednesday
Waiting
Waiting,
on the right time to say those three words.
Waiting,
by the telephone to hear that soothing voice.
Waiting,
on that last good-bye.
Waiting,
To be kissed.
Waiting,
to be made love to.
Waiting,
in the rain.
Waiting,
quietly.
Waiting,
to be held.
Waiting,
to be loved.
Waiting,
patiently,
Waiting.
on the right time to say those three words.
Waiting,
by the telephone to hear that soothing voice.
Waiting,
on that last good-bye.
Waiting,
To be kissed.
Waiting,
to be made love to.
Waiting,
in the rain.
Waiting,
quietly.
Waiting,
to be held.
Waiting,
to be loved.
Waiting,
patiently,
Waiting.
Thursday
Circle of Sisters
I've had female friends come and go. Some are still around and some have just entered my life. I'm glad and proud to say that I have a great Circle of Sisters. They are there when I need to vent. They are there when I need to ask questions. They are there to let me know that I am not crazy and it's everybody else..lol.. They are there to motivate me and give me the extra push that I need.
Without my Circle of Sisters, I think I'd be more miserable than I already am. My sisters give me the strength and the courage that I need in order to do what I need to do. I love my Circle of Sisters and most importantly, I feel comfortable around and with my Circle of Sisters.
Without my Circle of Sisters, I think I'd be more miserable than I already am. My sisters give me the strength and the courage that I need in order to do what I need to do. I love my Circle of Sisters and most importantly, I feel comfortable around and with my Circle of Sisters.
Wednesday
Dreaming
Had a dream,
lost a dream.
Remembered a dream,
forgot the dream.
Won a dream,
loss a dream.
Dreaming all over again.
lost a dream.
Remembered a dream,
forgot the dream.
Won a dream,
loss a dream.
Dreaming all over again.
Friday
It's Been Years
Yes, it has been years. I tend to fall into a slump and dont' want to write. Well I shouldn't say that because I have been writing just not on here. I have notebooks full of things that I have written about and I guess now I'm at that point to where I guess I'm ready to share. Some are poems, some are short stories and well some are my thoughts.
So here I am back it, motivated and ready to get back to where I was going.
Wish me luck because again, it has been years and now I really think that I'm ready.
So here I am back it, motivated and ready to get back to where I was going.
Wish me luck because again, it has been years and now I really think that I'm ready.
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